


find my voice

by Cloud_Lightning, Vallern



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-06-30 01:32:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19842772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloud_Lightning/pseuds/Cloud_Lightning, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vallern/pseuds/Vallern
Summary: “Mrs. Waterford."“We’re back to Mrs. Waterford now?” Serena sounded hurt. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on June’s part.“Well, aren’t you?” June asked with a fake smile.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> vallern: this was made for like 8 hours in pizza hut before 3x09 aired, so apologies for making this garbage bin even worse... Anyway, the oocness JUMPED out i know, but pffft
> 
> cloud_lightning: idk how this 2k one-shot ended up almost 6k *shrugs*

They took her back to D.C. No, not back to the Waterfords, fortunately (or maybe unfortunately? Better the devil you know, after all.) She’s there to wait for her punishment and to accompany Ofmatthew for her treatment since she was her walking partner. What a joke. At least this hospital room is empty save the comatose Ofmatthew, and she didn’t have to deal with all the nonsense. But then again, they plucked her from Lawrence with ease, and Aunt Lydia showed her that there are Commanders more powerful than Lawrence. Bastard. She didn’t understand politics before, what made her understand the one in Gilead?

Her heart skipped a little when she saw a familiar silhouette from outside her hospital room.

Serena...

No, Mrs. Waterford. She’s not Serena anymore, nor will she ever be again.

From the corner of her eyes, she saw a neglected scalpel, forgotten in the doctor’s hurry when he got called to an emergency. She quickly took it and hid it behind her back.

When her hospital room opened from the outside, it happened again. She felt her heart skipped a beat when she saw Serena. She rationalized that she was just looking for something familiar, and she was grudgingly happy because like it or not, Serena was a sharp, bitter comfort amidst the cold and harsh Washington D.C.

“Are you sure?” Mrs. Winslow touched Serena’s arm, and she didn’t brush it off like the way she brushed off Fred’s touch and affection.

“I’ll be fine, Liv,” Serena smiled, a hint of fondness clear in her voice.

And it wasn’t her forced smile either like June knew Serena always wore whenever she was around the other Wives, or Fred, or people in general. For a former public speaker, Serena is such a misanthrope.

(June used to entertain the thought that Serena was only genuine to her, whether in anger, sadness, or happiness.

Not anymore.)

And she called her _Liv_? What the fuck? What happened since their fight until now? Since when they got so close?

June subconsciously gritted her teeth at the sight. “Mrs. Waterford.”

“You.” Serena’s heels echoed within the empty room and stopped in front of her.

_You miss that sound, didn’t you?_

  
Images of her kneeling and staring down at Serena’s heels came unbidden to her mind.

* * *

It was two weeks after she begged the Waterfords to take her back. She settled down, more or less. Everything was slowly but surely back to normal as if she never ran away before. Fred was mostly absent, something about opening a new center, and she was relieved that she didn’t have to face him. Rita welcomed her back in her subtle, quiet way. That means she had more food and tea than usual, and she was less short with her. Nick was busy with Eden, and she didn’t know what to feel about it. She didn’t want to think about it either.

Serena…

June was getting used to Serena’s creepy late-night visits, which became more and more frequent now that Fred was barely home, proof that humans can get used to anything, from eating pineapple on pizza to cuddling with the wife of your rapist. But now Serena’s visits were getting longer, to the point that sometimes June fell asleep when Serena was muttering to her stomach.

It was after midnight, and June prepared herself for Serena’s unbidden presence. She’ll be here soon.

She can hear the telltale creak of Serena’s steps in front of her door. June sighed and turned to the side, lest she had to face Serena. Talk about awkward.

The door opened and June closed her eyes. Her mattress dipped behind her and she felt Serena’s strong arms encircled her stomach. Were they in a normal circumstance and relationship (Serena as her wife? Ha!), June would feel comforted, but because she was a victim in a misogynistic regime, she couldn’t enjoy it even if she wanted to.

Serena was saying something to it—June couldn’t bear to think of it as her child yet—perhaps talking about scriptures, she didn’t know, but whatever it was, Serena’s low voice lulled her to sleep. Her own audiobook! Yay!

June was halfway to the dreamland when she felt a puff of hot breath on her neck. The other woman’s hand was caressing her stomach gently like it was the most fragile thing in the world. In a way, it was, at least in Serena Joy’s world.

“Thank you.”

It was quiet, so quiet it made June think it was just a dream. There’s no way Serena thanked her…right?

But then again, this was the very same woman who called her a beautiful miracle and kissed her when she thought June was pregnant before.

June fell asleep before she could respond, warm in Serena’s arms.

* * *

The sunlight on her face woke her up and the weight on her stomach was still there. Serena was asleep next to her the whole night, and she didn’t know what to think about it. June turned her head, and she saw Serena’s sleeping face kissed by the soft glow of the morning sun. For a moment, June couldn’t breathe. She looked just like an ordinary woman, instead of one of the monsters that created Gilead. But the worst monsters are always they who looked normal and hidden in plain sight.

For one moment, June thought about what if Serena is her wife, and this is the first thing she’d see in the morning? It was a ridiculous scenario, but it was better than the thought of hanging herself in the closet, just like the previous Offred.

Then Serena opened her eyes, and June was greeted with the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes she’s ever seen. Blue is the warmest color, indeed. For a moment, June felt jealous because Fred used to wake up to this sight every day.

“Offred?” Serena’s voice sounded raspy and confused.

“Good morning, Mrs. Waterford.” June tried to mask her surprise, and she’d like to think she succeeds.

Serena bolted up right away, scrambling to her feet. She wrapped her cardigan tighter around herself as if to protect herself from June’s sight. They didn’t know how long they looked at each other, but it was Serena that moved first. She ran away from June’s room in a hurry.

Could this be counted as a walk of shame?

The wife slept with the other woman after all.

* * *

“What did you do?” Serena’s voice pulled June from her trip down the memory lane.

“I don’t understand what you mean, Mrs. Waterford,” she said blandly.

June gripped the scalpel tighter, waiting for the right moment to kill this evil woman. To hurt Serena as she hurt her.

  
_Come on, come closer, you bitch._

  
But then Serena looked at her differently. It wasn’t full of hatred or disgust or jealousy. June remembered the only time Serena looked at her this way. It was when she thought June was pregnant.

“Ofjoseph, are you all right?”

June wanted to scream, because since when Serena Joy fucking Waterford worried about her wellbeing?

“No, I’m not,” June sneered. “And it was because of you.”

“What do you–“

Before Serena could finish her sentence, June lunged at her, scalpel ready in her hand.

Serena yelled in pain when the scalpel grazed her stomach, but she avoided it on the last second and smacked the scalpel from June’s hand.

  
_Shit, shit, shit!_

  
June finally smelled it, the blood. Serena’s blood. Oh, how she wanted to spill Serena’s blood on Gilead’s ground, as the start of some revolution brewing inside her mind and her heart. But then Serena gave up Nichole, she trusted June to protect her baby girl. _Their_ baby girl.

Serena’s teal dress was torn, and her pale skin was red by her blood. She touched the wound, fresh blood covered her fingers, and Serena gasped when she saw the red.

And then she was looking in June with murderous looks on her face. “You. Bitch.”

Serena slammed her into the wall, one hand on her neck while the other covered her mouth, muffling June’s scream behind her bloodied hand.

“How dare you,” Serena hissed. June could feel Serena’s hot breath on her face and the taste of her blood at the tip of her tongue. She wiped her blood on June’s mouth with disgust. “They should hang you for this!”

June raised her chin defiantly. “Then do it, Mrs. Waterford,” she spat. “You have the power, don’t you?”

“How dare you!”

June smirked as she saw Serena’s mask started to crumble. From anger to hurt, sadness, and the biggest of them all, lust.

(Sometimes June wondered if she understood Serena more than Fred will ever be, just from the way Serena’s breath hitched, the way she straightened her posture, how every move was a part of her mask and armor, and June knew almost every one of them. Even Serena’s tells when she was at the peak of her lust, holding June with such tenderness even when their fingers worked each other with such fury and teeth buried deeply into each other’s shoulders to drown the cries of pleasures.)

Serena raised her hand, but June gripped it tightly. “You don’t have power, Serena, and you never will be. You’re just a soulless puppet!”

“You will regret saying that when you’re standing before the noose!” Serena pushed June’s hand to the wall.

“Then fucking hang me if you dare,” June growled. “Because I will see you hanging next to me. If I’m going down, I’ll be dragging you with me and you know I will!”

June’s throat tightened when she felt Serena’s bloodied hand wrapped around her neck. What a shitty ending. As if it wasn’t enough for Serena to ruin her life, she had to take it as well. Like she took so many things so many things from June; her child, husband, money, freedom, and orgasms, to name a few.

But then June felt the faintest brush of lips on hers, trembling and unsure.

June opened her eyes and saw fear masked with fury within those icy blue eyes. She should’ve pushed Serena away, but everything was always a power play with her. If June pulled back, she loses, but if she kissed Serena, she would hang.

  
_At least I could drag her along to the Wall._

  
That was crossed June’s mind before she pulled Serena by the nape of her neck and kissed her hard.

* * *

Serena rambled on and on about how hard she tried with Fred, and how she was her beautiful miracle. It made her feel strangely guilty that she was about to pop her mistress’ bubble with bad news. For her, anyway.

But before she opened her mouth to say that no, she wasn’t pregnant, Serena’s lips were on hers. It was only for a moment, but it was enough to make both of them jumped out of surprise.

“Mrs. Waterford, I—“

“Offred—“

They stared at each other in shock. June was afraid that she would lash out over something that wasn’t even her fault, but to her surprise, Serena just looked at her with wide eyes an touching her lips.

What does that mean?

“Offred, I—“Serena coughed. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” She shook her head. “Fear not, Offred. I’m not a gender traitor. I was simply too happy, and I acted impulsively. It won’t happen again.”

June was tempted to use the kiss for blackmail, but what’s the use? No one will believe a lowly Handmaid over a highly ranked Commander’s Wife. “Of course, Mrs. Waterford.”

“But I will be grateful if you keep this between us.” She averted her eyes. “That includes Nick, understand?”

“Of course, Mrs. Waterford.” As if she will tell the Eye that Serena Joy Waterford kissed her.

  
(And that she enjoyed it.)

* * *

June heard Serena choked back a sob as she kissed her repeatedly. Their lust-laden breath mingled between them when June finally stopped kissing Serena, with a hard bite on her lower lips. She could taste Serena’s blood on her lips again. The metallic taste reminded her of the first time they fucked.

* * *

A month has passed since June returned to the Waterfords’ household. Fred’s absence was getting noticeable and while it made the entire household relaxed a little, June was sick between Nick who was always trying to get some alone time with her, Eden’s brainwashed rambles, and Serena’s creepy late-night visit where she held June tenderly and whispered lovingly into her belly. Only Rita can be counted on, being silent and grumpy like usual.

Something different happened one night.

Serena didn’t come to her room like usual, and right now it was just after midnight. Did she fall from the stairs and broke her neck? She wished. But if Serena died, there’s no telling what Fred will do to her without his wife standing between them.

It’s so fucked up, now that June thought about it. She could have one peaceful night of sleep without Serena creeping up on her and cuddling her, but instead, she was wondering where the other woman was.

Is this what co-dependency feels like? She hated it. God, she wasn’t even this clingy with Luke when she was pregnant with Hannah, but now she seeks comfort from Serena because god forbid she didn’t get her daily dose of non-violent human contact.

The moonlight helped June to get down to the first floor. She knew it was nighttime, but can’t they at least keep one light on near the stairs? What if she stumbled down from the stairs and have a miscarriage, simply because no one can be bothered to turn on the light near the stairs? She entertained a morbid thought of the entire household hanging from the Wall because of that; Fred, Serena, Nick, Eden, and even Rita, eyes opened in shock and mouths frozen in silent screams, while she looked at them impassively and waited for the next posting for another pompous, self-important Commander because she was fertile, and thus, important to Gilead.

She heard music playing faintly from somewhere. June knew where that music comes from. Maybe Fred was already home, and that’s why Serena didn’t come to her like she used to.

June stood in front of the sturdy wooden door, debating whether or not she should knock it. It wasn’t like it used to when June could just barge in and demand Fred’s attention and he gave it to her freely whether or not she wanted it. But hey, at least now she’s pregnant, so it’s not like Fred could do anything to her, or anyone, really. The baby was her greatest protection in Gilead, at least for a while. After the baby was born, who knows? Maybe she would be sent to the Wall to meet her fate because she managed to run away.

Imagine her surprise when she saw Serena sitting on top of Fred’s desk, a cigarette dangling between her fingers, while her other hand was holding a book. The music June heard before was coming from the vinyl.

Serena looked up from her book. “Close the door.”

So June did.

It was weird to see Serena barefoot and sat on top of a desk, and June could spot at least three small bottles of vodka next to her cigarette case.

A musky, masculine smell permeated the room, with a hint of Serena’s expensive soap from the black market. It smelled faintly like chocolate. God, now she wanted chocolate. How long has it been since the last time she ate chocolate? She didn’t even like it that much before, but now it’s a sign of comfort from the old world.

Serena sighed and put down the cigarette on the ashtray before turning the page of her book, still ignoring June standing awkwardly in the doorway. June hate being ignored. Serena usually always seeks her attention by any means necessary, but now she barely acknowledged her. It made her skin tingled in annoyance.

“Do you need an invitation to read?” June looked up from her musing. “Pick anything you want and sit wherever you want. Might as well use this chance to raid his man-cave while Fred is gone.”

June raised her eyebrow, half in amusement and half in shock. “How bold.”

“Maybe because I’m drunk.” Serena picked another bottle. “Want one?”

“Feeling daring now, aren’t we?” June smirked as she sauntered toward the desk.

“As much as I like Eden,” Serena ignored her. “It’s tiring to answer all of her questions. Maybe I need a break from her.” She shrugged. “From everything.”

“Even from me?”

June didn’t mean to say it out loud. But it’s not like every day she could see Serena with her hair down, a cigarette between her lips, and a book in her hand. Her heavily lidded eyes considered June coolly.

“What do you think?” Serena asked with a hint of cheerfulness. Wow, she was really drunk.

“I think…” June walked towards the desk. “I think we need a bigger bed.”

If she said this another time, Serena would’ve slapped her with that strong hands of hers. June’s temple throbbed when she remembered how Serena slapped her hard enough for her to hit the door frame. But now, she just chuckled lightly and put down the book. “I’ll tell Rita to change your bed tomorrow.”

June stopped walking. Wow, she was really, really drunk. _How much can I milk this?_ June thought to herself.

“A chocolate won’t hurt either,” June said with a smile.

Serena cocked her head to the side. “Don’t push your luck.”

June already stood between Serena’s legs, hands dangerously close to Serena’s thighs. “Well, I have to try.”

“Better luck next time.”

“Oh, there will be a next time?” June’s heart was pounding. She didn’t know how long Serena’s playfulness would last, but her impulsiveness made her push her luck even further by taking the cigarette from Serena’s lips.

Serena raised her eyebrow, but she said nothing. June inhaled and even though the smoke made her lungs burn, it felt nice. She was never a big smoker before, but she will take comfort whenever she can find them.

“If you’re good.” She took the cigarette back. She inhaled and puffed the smoke to June’s face, uncaring that June was pregnant with her baby. The baby that she wanted bad enough that she was willing to tear down the old world and build Gilead on top of the ruins.

That should be the biggest sign for June that Serena was indeed, so fucking drunk.

“I’ll be good then.”

Serena huffed a laugh and snuffed out the cigarette. “I don’t think you can be a good girl.”

“Are you doubting me?”

“Given your penchant for trouble, I’d say yes.” Serena pulled June closer, trapping her between her long legs. June cursed her hormones for making her wet. “Because you’re here right now.”

“Do you want me to go?” She must be crazy right now, flirting with her enemy. Can Serena be considered as an enemy, though? After what she did to June and all the other women, sure. But she also stood up for June and protecting her, even when she didn’t need to. June knew it was for Serena’s own selfish reason. She didn’t want the mother of her baby getting hurt.

Serena looked away, her hair covering her face. Instead of replying, she pulled June even closer by her nightgown. Warm, smooth lips crashed against her own chapped ones.

Blessed be the Wives who had access to the black market’s chapstick. Fucking hypocrites. So much for being modest in the eyes of the Lord.

Serena pulled away. “That’s your answer.”

June licked the remains of Serena’s chapstick on her lips. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Waterford, I didn’t get that. Could you repeat it?” Wow, she didn’t even have this kind of game back then with men. Moira would flip out if she heard that June’s first foray to lesbianism wasn’t with her, but instead with Serena Joy Waterford, creator of men’s utopia, the oppressor of modern women, and the biggest woman misogynist around.

Serena’s eyes flashed dangerously, and she pulled June once again, this time by her neck, to meet her lips in a searing kiss. Maybe kindness was never in Serena’s vocabulary because now she bit down June’s lips hard enough she could taste blood. June’s legs buckled, and she would fall if it wasn’t for Serena’s legs holding her up.

Instead of pulling away because of the blood, Serena’s greedy lips licked away the blood from June’s lips.

Serena’s hand caressed her neck, and for a moment June froze because Serena strangled her too many times, but now, Serena just used a little force in a way that made June melt.

When they pulled away, both of them were breathing hard and June’s head was spinning. The way Serena looked at her, with her red-blooded lips slightly parted, her hair in disarray, her pupils dilated and dark, made June’s blood rushed to her cunt.

Before June could speak, Serena pushed her away gently and said, “Sit down.”

“Where? On your lap?” She said cheekily.

Serena smirked. “Maybe next time. But right now, I want you on Fred’s chair.”

Fuck.

If she wasn’t wet before, she sure is now.

“Of course, Mrs. Waterford.”

When June got back from her walk two days afterwards, a double bed replaced her bed and there was a box of chocolate on it.

June smiled slightly.

* * *

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Serena whispered frantically, trembling hands shook June’s shoulders.

June was tired and drained from being Serena’s emotional support. Hell, it was like Serena sucked out all of her emotion, leaving June as an empty shell with nothing but hatred and anger. But here she was, still playing that part willingly. Maybe she was an idiot, after all. “I don’t know, Serena,” she said in a hushed whisper.

Unlike the first time they cried and clung to each other, this time Serena touched June’s cheek with the back of her hand, making June bit her lips in surprise.

“What have you done?” She asked again.

She could say that Serena changed her, everything happened because June was no longer herself. But the words got stuck inside her mouth and she could only shake her head.

June often wondered why she didn’t hate Serena. Not completely, anyway. There was always something else mixed in there whenever she thought about the tall blonde; hatred, rage, disgust, pity, compassion.

Lust.

It was an old feeling that June thought already died.

June knew the exact moment her sanity slipped away forever was when her breath hitched when Serena yelled at her and towering over her (since Serena Joy Waterford was a petty person and she will use anything to get an upper hand with June, including her luck of being born so fucking tall so that June had to crane her neck every time she looked at Serena, which was way too often for her liking) in some argument that she didn’t even remember. Her nipples stood up and her cunt pulsed slightly behind the coarse Handmaid’s underwear.

Maybe her body was just trying to protect her by turning stress into arousal, but that didn’t explain why she felt dry whenever Fred humped her. Shouldn’t it be with Fred instead of his wife? Who always glared at her in silent, seething rage, and deeply hidden remorse whenever she held June down in her monthly rape?

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

The two of them fall to the floor, still holding each other for support. “Hannah’s gone, and I killed her Martha,” June said between her sobs.

“What did you do?” Serena frowned.

“She hung her because they said she was endangering Hannah’s wellbeing, by talking to me,” June said between her sobs. “And a pregnant handmaid was shot because of me.” She gestured towards her walking partner who was lying motionless.

“You did what?!” Serena raised her voice.

“I didn’t know if she could make it.” June’s lips quivered. “You know, for a moment, when she pointed the gun at me, I was happy because if I die, then I will be free from everything. From this place, my suffering, and even...” She trailed off and wiped away her tears.

 _Even you_ , June thought.

As cheesy as it sounds, their fates were intertwined together the moment she stepped into the Waterford’s house and saw the statuesque icy blonde staring at her from the stairs. They both had dirty secrets on each other, and no one understood them more than each other.

June knew it was a fucked-up way to see Serena; one hand caressed her, and the other strangled her. Like an abusive girlfriend, except Serena wasn’t her girlfriend but her captor, rapist, and the closest thing she had to a friend in Gilead.

She felt Serena was stroking her shoulder stiffly as if her touch would calm June. As if her mere presence could calm her. June hated that it worked on her and that she relaxed for the tiniest bit because of it.

“What did you do?”

June saw a glimpse of a wedding ring adorned Serena’s ring finger. She remembered back at Putnam’s place; her fingers were free from the wedding ring, her shackle to Fred and Gilead. Serena chose Fred in the end, like an obedient little wife. She was a fool for thinking Serena would choose her, to join the resistance to destroy Gilead. Maybe people couldn’t change after all. And to think that when June thought Serena would do at least one decent thing, she sided with the devil.

No, she was the devil herself after all. Hell was empty because Lucifer was here, currently holding June captive with false attention and a little bit of warmth.

June’s anger flared up, she was sick of this place. Maybe Lawrence was right and she should’ve just gone with Emily to Canada. What could she do for Hannah from here, anyway? When she tried to do something, an innocent woman was killed and Hannah was gone. She wasn’t strong enough to fight the system from within. She’s so sick of Serena who kept asking her the same thing, even though it was her fault. Not really, but Serena was the one that told June about Hannah’s location, so it was her fault. See, Serena isn’t the only one who can be petty.

“Stop asking me what I did!” June screamed and scrambled into her feet, walking away from Serena. “This is all your fault!”

“My fault?!” Serena stood up shakily. “Do not pin this on me! This is all your doing! I have nothing to do with this!”

“No, you did,” June hissed in anger as she stalked toward Serena. “You told me where Hannah is because you knew, you fucking knew I would try to find a way to meet her!”

“Maybe you should strategize a little better, and then the Martha would be still alive and your daughter's still here.”

“How dare you!” June, fueled with anger pushed Serena to the wall, she hissed in pain. “How fucking dare you!”

“What did you expect? That the Guardians will let Hannah walk out with a Handmaid and a mentally ill Wife? When I told you the location of her school, I didn’t mean for you to go there without thinking!”

“Then why are you even telling me that in the first place, Serena?!” June raised her voice.

June thought Serena would say something to her, or slap her, or even choke her since Serena loved doing it to June in the past. But instead, Serena just looked away, unable to look June in the eye.

“Is it because so you can show it to me how your fucking precious Gilead could steal my baby away, again?” June yelled. “Why? Tell me!”

“I don’t know!” Serena yelled back. “I don’t know!”

“Or maybe you wanted to show me how my daughter will grow up, unable to read and write?! Only able to draw indescribable paintings because they don’t know a fuck about feeling! Because your precious Gilead turned them into an empty shell, like you!”

June’s ear ringing when she felt Serena’s hand slap her.

Without missing a beat, June slapped her back, the sound echoed within the room was so satisfying. “Grow a fucking spine, Serena,” she gritted her teeth.

“Stay away from me, you filthy adulterer!”

June laughed at that. “Did you forget that you kissed me?” She smirked when Serena’s eyes widened in surprise like she didn’t expect June to bring that up. If Serena wanted to play that card, then June sure as hell would play hers as well. Two can play this game.

“Or all those times when your fingers covered in my cum?” June pushed Serena’s body with hers, trapping Serena between the wall and herself. “Or that time when you told me how you wish you still had your heels so you could dig it into my shoulder as I knelt and ate your cunt while you’re lying half-naked on top of your husband’s desk?”

June almost chuckled when she saw the horrified look on Serena’s face.

“We’re both adulterers and gender traitors, Serena,” June whispered in victory. “If I’m going to the Wall, so do you.”

“Do you think they will believe any words that come out of your mouth?” Serena hissed.

“Do you think they care, Serena? They don’t care about our status other than we’re both women. You lost your finger because you were trying to prove a point. Not to mention that you and Fred had a lot of mishaps. The other Commanders are probably eager to throw both of you aside, and we’re both will never see Nichole again.” June hated it when she used Nichole as a bargaining chip to manipulate Serena, but often, that’s the only thing that could get into Serena’s cold heart. She hoped that there was still a little warmth left in Serena, just like when she gave up Nichole.

(They kissed again before June left. With a shaky breath, Serena pressed her lips hard to June’s, a source of warmth for June amid the cold night. She felt it rather than heard it when Serena said: “Promise me you’ll protect her.” Serena kissed the top of Nichole’s head, inhaling her baby’s scent. When she looked over at June with her teary blue eyes, June kissed her again because she thought that would be the last time she saw Serena. June almost didn’t want to leave Serena alone to deal with Fred and everyone, but when she felt Nichole squirming in her arms, she remembered why they were doing it.)

  
“You left her alone!” Serena wailed. “You left her alone in the cold and you gave her up to a murderer! You don’t have the right–“

“I have every right when it comes to Nichole! I am her mother! Because clearly, you don’t have what it takes to be one!” June growled and gripped Serena’s shoulders tightly. “I thought you can, but I was wrong. And you keep proving it to me over and over!”

Serena’s hand was on her neck in an instant, as if she didn’t know how to have a civilized response for critiques other than using violence.

“It hurts, isn’t it? Unable to do anything to save your daughter? Isn’t it nice to feel hopeless? Because this is what I feel every fucking day in this shithole, and you finally get a little taste of being a hopeless mother. Don’t you fucking dare cry, because this is your fault!” June choked out an answer.

No one spoke, both of them held their ground with their chins held high, holding each other’s gaze with anger and force. Maybe they never had anything in common, except when it comes to their love for Nichole.

But then Serena fell to the ground, dragging June along with her, hand no longer wrapped around her neck, but encircling her shoulders as she hugged June tightly, using June as her anchor in this hellhole.

“I’m so tired,” she whispered.

June held back a stinging comment, because she was tired, too. Fighting with Serena took out a lot from her, both physically and mentally. And it’s hard to maintain anger and sanity at the same time.

“We need to stop doing this, Serena.” June cupped Serena’s face, her cheeks dampened from her tears. “We need to fight back. We need to fight. For Nichole.” She bumped her forehead softly to Serena’s. “For our girl.”

Serena shook her head. “I want her to be safe.”

“Serena, Nichole will never be safe here, you know that. The only way to keep her safe is to keep her with Luke, Moira, and Emily in Canada. And for us to fight for her future from here.”

“I’m empty and always will be.” Serena sobbed. “I’m nothing without my daughter.”

June took Serena’s left hand and kissed the pinky glove tenderly. “You’re not nothing, Serena. You’re Serena Joy. Fighting for what you want is in your blood.” She squeezed Serena’s hand.

Serena looked down at her wedding ring. “I’m Serena Joy Waterford.”

“No,” June shook her head and took off the ring, holding it in her palm. “You’re Serena Joy. And you‘re going to fight. You’re going to fight to make Nichole proud. _We’re_ going to fight for her.”

They two of them were only looking at each other. June was holding Serena’s hand while sitting in front of her on the ground. The floor was cold, but Serena’s hand was colder. She caressed June’s cheek tenderly, and then she kissed her cheek. They never kissed each other’s cheek before; it was so surreal for June. Like they were normal.

Serena sighed deeply and smiled tiredly at her. “I can’t believe you tried to stab me.”

June chuckled. “Be grateful I didn’t disembowel you because you deserved that and more. Really though, we need to look at that. If you’re dying of infection, I will personally drag you back from hell.” She stood up. “Come on.” She offered her hand.

Serena looked at June in awe, like she couldn’t believe June’s compassion towards her. She took June’s hand with her flawed hand, ready to fight for Nichole together.

  
“Blessed be the fight."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and i oop-

Aunt Lydia came to her house while bringing a handful of files for the new Offred, since the first one (God, what was her name?) hung herself in the closet two weeks ago. Fred's grimace when Rita breathlessly and tearfully told them of the news was disgusting. He shouldn't have messed with Offred in the first place; she was there as Serena's extension, not as Fred's shiny new toy.

She hated it, the Handmaid's system. It wasn't her original idea, the very same idea that the men of the Sons of Jacob distorted into a shell of what it was after using her as their mascot. _Look! An attractive, charismatic, and educated woman who believed in traditional gender roles! Won't you listen to us now?_

Her mouth twisted bitterly at the thought. Knowing Fred, he was either too weak to resist or he was the leader of the pack since he craved power the way she craved a child. Sometimes, she wondered where was the kind, gentle, and beautiful man that she married years ago. Perhaps he never existed; perhaps he changed.

Perhaps she was too blind and infatuated with the idea of having a child with him to notice the truth.

"Serena?" Fred's soft voice brought her back to reality. 

"Yes? I'm sorry, I was a million miles away." She smiled awkwardly at him and Aunt Lydia, who frowned in sympathy.

"I understand, dear. It must've been hard, losing someone so horrifically and suddenly like that." She patted Serena's arm and it took all of her self-control to not recoil. "A Handmaid is a precious member of the family, after all."

"Indeed," Fred said. "We will take the appropriate measures to make sure the next Offred won't try to do the same thing, of course."

"Good, good. Blessed be your vigilance, Commander."

"Thank you, Aunt Lydia."

"That brings us to why I'm here today." She gestured to the files spread across the table. "I want both of you to pick the next Offred. Usually it's my job with my fellow Aunts to assign them, of course, but we feel like you are allowed a small consolation since Amelia ( _so that was her name,_ Serena thought) took her own life."

"Thank you for your consideration, Aunt Lydia. That's very kind of you."

"You're welcome, Commander." She smiled. "I picked a few that I deemed worthy of your household."

"We're honored," Serena said. "Do we have to pick her right now, or..."

"I'll give the two of you a moment to discuss it. I need a tea refill, anyway." She chuckled. "I wrote some notes there, you can read it to her, Commander."

"Of course. I'll walk you to the kitchen."

Acid filled Serena's stomach at the mention of notes. Jealousy bloomed in her like her roses in the greenhouse, but she quickly quashed it. Fred will let her read it, anyway.

Fred came back and sat beside her, sighing heavily while doing so. "The next Offred."

"The next Offred," Serena parroted blandly. "I suppose we better take a look at the files."

"Yes, but..."

"But?"

"Aunt Lydia is in the next room," Fred whispered. "I don't know if you should read the files. What if she comes back and see you reading?"

Serena's jaw twitched in fury. "Fine, but I'll be the one picking the girl."

"Alright, darling," Fred placate her.

* * *

'A moment' turned to thirty minutes, in which Fred relented and let Serena read as long as she did it quickly, and the Waterfords finally had three possible Handmaids in front of them, with Fred carefully voiced his opinions and Serena mostly turned them down.

Serena pursed her lips, eyes sweeping over the files in front of her. Three semi-identical Handmaids with her strongest physical features; blue eyes, blonde hair, and strong jawline. It was a shame that none of the women were particularly tall, but then again, most women weren't tall like her. She even towered over some men. Hell, Fred was barely taller than her.

Was it narcissistic and vain of her? For wanting to have a baby that somehow resembled her, even though deep down she knew it wasn't purely hers, if only because the baby will not be formed and live inside of her womb? Was it wrong?

"How about her?" Fred pointed to the left file. "Two boys from before and it's going to be her first posting. I believe Commander Chen has the eldest and Commander Huntington has the youngest."

Serena frowned. She heard from the grapevine, or, if you're feeling fancy, Naomi Putnam's weekly tea party, that Huntington couldn't perform unless his Martha was in the room and Chen had an improper relationship outside the Ceremony with his wife _and_ Handmaid at the same time. Her cheeks tinged pink at the thought, both with embarrassment and righteous anger. It was disgusting.

It shouldn't be like this.

She looked at the soon-to-be Handmaid, currently #3780, Valentina Henderson, a 27-years old former barista, with Aunt Lydia's neat handwriting scribbled on the bottom of the paper. _Calm, demure, and gentle. She was a gender traitor and we had to remove her hand and clitoris, but rest assured, it won't interfere with her duty._

Broken.

Serena swallowed the bile forming in her throat and shook her head. Fred shrugged and gestured towards the file on the right.

Ofvictor, formerly Ofsebastian, was Helena Flowers, Handmaid #1862, a 31 years old nurse with a girl from before. She failed to bear a child with both commanders and now she was going to be reassigned. It would be her last posting before Colony, if she failed again.

Aunt Lydia's note caught her eyes. _She's pliable and quiet. This is going to be her last posting. You both could be her last chance for redemption._

Serena peered into Ofvictor's alluring face, with her high cheekbones, sharp jawline, and red lips. She thought Ofvictor was too beautiful and she didn't want the same incident with their last Handmaid happened again. "Let me see the last file."

Fred opened the file and pushed it towards her.

Ofrichard, formerly June Osborne, Handmaid #3259, was a 33-years old book editor with a daughter from before.

Book editor?

Serena's heart skipped a beat. Did she know June? Back when women were free to read and write and she was still publishing her books?

"Did you know her?"

"No, I was with Philippa for years. You know that." Serena's voice turned bitter. _You should've known that since you fucked her for years._

"Right." Fred looked uncomfortable. _Good_ , she thought. _He should be groveling for mercy at my feet, but a man is free from sins, isn't he?_

Her eyes found Aunt Lydia's note below June’s photo. _I have my doubts about this one, but if anyone could make her obey, it’s you and your wife, Commander._

Serena looked at the photo. June was glaring at the camera, mouth turned down into a noticeable sneer. She was surprised and partly amused they used this photo and let her get away with it since it was so defiant. She wondered if June was still the same courageous woman now, since she was already in a posting with Commander Dickinson, who Serena heard likes to get physical with his Handmaids. In more ways than one.

So now her choices were a cripple, a temptress, and a rebel. Fun.

Logically, Serena knew she should pick Valentina. She probably wouldn’t be too much trouble and stayed out of Serena’s way, but she had an aversion towards broken things that cannot be fixed. Helena was tricky since she could’ve spark Fred’s interest and she didn’t want a repeat of the first Offred. Also, if she had to admit it, petty jealousy was also a factor, too. 

As for June…

Even just from looking at her photo, Serena knew deep inside she would’ve clashed with her. She looked bold, stubborn, and opinionated, three things that she didn’t and shouldn’t want in a Handmaid. But she looked the most interesting, and maybe she was also served as a glimmer from the world long lost.

Besides, if she gave Serena too much trouble, it wouldn’t be too hard to just send her to Colony under the guise of whatever offense the Council deemed offensive that week, or just get rid of her in other ways.

“I want June Osborne, Fred.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back by not so popular demand! jokes aside this was sitting in my draft for weeks after i finished chapter one with cl and im finally in the mood for writing so i thought might as well throwing it out there, right? i have no idea what the fuck is this other than it's vaguely a companion piece and backstory for serena in this story. i wrote the last half in like 30 minutes so if you see the difference in tone or mood that's bc i already forgot the original vibe sfhdghoslfjdog anyway enjoy i guess, or not, that's okay too i just want to delete it from my draft lol also wow dick dickinson im so hilarious and clever owo

**Author's Note:**

> vallern: can't wait to be boo boo the fool after 3x09 edit: we are all truly boo boo the fool
> 
> we're also looking for a beta, as y'all can see grammar isn't our strong point (or anything tbh lmao) because when you grew up with a language that doesn't really use grammar or even plural forms it's hard to shake it off in the second language, but we want our fics to be readable at least, so like let us know if you want to be our beta and hit us up whether here or on our tumblr, vallern for me and nightwhite13 for cloud_lightning
> 
> cloud_lightning:THATS THE "JUNE" WE WANT BITCH!!!! Serena was supposed to be the one that gave June the speech though. In the end, we're all boo boo the fool. Also I'm so sorry for using too much flashbacks


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